In every relationship, communication is the bridge that connects us. Communication shares a root word with communion. It means to join. Yet, when done unconsciously, it’s so easy to feel like you’re talking at each other instead of truly connecting. Active listening and clear speaking are two powerful tools that can transform not only how we communicate but how we relate to the people we care about most.
Here’s the good news: both are skills you can learn and practice. Here's some practical techniques for mastering them.
Active Listening: Being Fully Present
Active listening goes beyond simply hearing words; it’s about being fully present and showing the other person that you genuinely care about what they’re saying. Here’s how you can do it:
Put Away Distractions We’ve all been guilty of glancing at our phones or multitasking during a conversation. Show respect by giving the speaker your undivided attention. Put the phone down, turn off the TV, and focus fully on the person in front of you.
Use Nonverbal Cues Your body language speaks volumes. Nod occasionally, maintain eye contact, and lean slightly forward to show you’re engaged. These small gestures reassure the speaker that you’re actively listening.
Reflect and Paraphrase To ensure you’re on the same page, summarize what the other person has said in your own words. For example: “What I’m hearing is that you felt overlooked during the meeting. Is that right?” This not only clarifies their message but also shows you’re invested in understanding.
Ask Open-Ended Questions Encourage deeper conversation by asking questions that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” For instance: “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think would help in this situation?”
Hold Space Without Interrupting Resist the urge to jump in with your opinions or solutions. Sometimes, people just need to feel heard. Practice patience and wait until they’ve finished before responding.
Speaking Clearly: Communicating with Confidence
Once you’ve mastered listening, the other half of the equation is expressing yourself clearly. Here are some practical ways to ensure your words land the way you intend:
Start with “I” Statements Instead of pointing fingers or assigning blame, frame your thoughts with “I” statements. For example: “I felt hurt when you canceled our plans” rather than “You always flake on me.” This shifts the focus to your feelings rather than making the other person defensive.
Keep It Simple Avoid overloading your message with too many details at once. Stick to one main point and express it concisely. If you’re discussing something complex, break it down into smaller parts. Overwhelm and confusion can often put people into fight or flight and that means they can't hear or process what you're saying anyway. So keep it to the point.
Be Mindful of Your Tone How you say something can matter even more than what you’re saying. To manage your tone, you must first manage your nervous system. How do do that? Welcome emotions as they rise in your body and let them pass through your body. This takes practice if you're used to reacting to your emotions instead of responding. When you're emotions are regulated, you can more easily speak in a calm, measured tone, especially during difficult conversations. Your tone sets the emotional temperature for the interaction.
Clarify and Check for Understanding After sharing your thoughts, ask if the other person understood you: “Does that make sense?” or “What are your thoughts on that?” (this is my favorite) This invites dialogue and ensures clarity.
Pause and Breathe When emotions run high, it’s easy to ramble or let frustration take over. Take a deep breath and pause to collect your thoughts before speaking. This helps you stay composed and deliberate in your communication.
Monitor your emotional state If you find yourself feeling frustrated or confused, take note and ask yourself why this might be happening. Is your partner getting off topic and using deflection to confuse you or to avoid taking accountability for their actions? If so, how can you calmly help both of you recenter on the main topic?
Practice Makes Progress
Improving how you listen and speak takes time and effort because many of us didn't learn how to communicate nonviolently as children. And when emotions are running high, many of us revert to ways we expressed ourselves when we were children. It's challenging to overhaul our communication, but the rewards are worth it. The key is to keep ourselves emotionally even-keeled. These techniques create a foundation of trust, respect, and understanding in your relationships—whether with your partner, friends, colleagues, or family members.
Start small. Practice active listening during your next conversation or use “I” statements the next time you need to express a concern. Over time, these skills will become second nature, opening the door to deeper, more meaningful connections.
Remember: communication isn’t just about exchanging words; it’s about creating a space where both people feel seen, heard, and valued; where minds and hearts can truly join. And that’s a skill worth mastering.
Merianne
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