Rebuilding Trust

Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, whether it's with a partner, a friend, a colleague, or a family member. When trust is broken, it can feel like a foundation crumbling beneath your feet.

It's very destabilizing because not only are you unsure of what you can expect from a person who's embedded in your life, but you are now unsure of your own ability:

• to evaluate a person's character

• to protect yourself

• detect indications that a person's character is different than previously indicated.

  
  

The pain, confusion, and doubt that follow can leave both parties questioning what comes next. But while it may take time, trust can be rebuilt.

Here’s how to begin the process:

1. Acknowledge the Breach

The first step in rebuilding trust is acknowledging that it was broken. Denying the hurt or pretending everything is fine only makes things worse. If you were the one who broke the trust, owning up to your actions is critical. If you're the one who was hurt, express your feelings openly and honestly. This step is about facing the reality of what happened, without minimizing or deflecting.

2. Sincere Apology

A genuine apology goes beyond simply saying “I’m sorry.” It involves taking full responsibility for your actions, understanding the impact they had, and expressing a true desire to make things right. If you’re the one who’s been hurt, it’s important to feel that the apology is sincere, rather than just a way to move past the issue.

3. Give Space for Healing

Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. The hurt and disappointment caused by broken trust need time to heal. If you're the one who was betrayed, give yourself permission to feel your emotions—anger, sadness, confusion—and allow yourself the time to process them. If you're the one who caused the breach, give your partner or loved one the space they need to heal, but be there when they’re ready to talk. And take some time to discover and heal what is in your character that made you do something hurtful.

4. Be Transparent

Honesty is crucial when rebuilding trust. Whether you're the one who betrayed trust or the one working through betrayal trauma, transparency builds a sense of security. If you've broken trust, commit to being open about your actions and intentions moving forward. This doesn't mean over-explaining or being defensive, but sharing your thoughts and feelings so that there are no hidden agendas.

5. Demonstrate Consistent Actions

Words alone won't rebuild trust. It's the consistency of your actions over time that proves your sincerity. Remember, consistency doesn't mean perfectly consistent, especially in the beginning. But, if you’ve been dishonest, show that you're now willing to be open and dependable. If you've made a mistake, take responsibility for it, reflect why it happened and use the information to avoid repeating the same behavior. Over time and repetition, permanent transformation is possible. Then impeccable consistency happens automatically because integrity is achieved as an identity. Trust is built on the reliability of actions, not just promises.

6. Set Appropriate Boundaries

Once trust has been broken, it’s essential to set appropriate boundaries to protect the relationship moving forward. These boundaries should be mutually agreed upon and serve as a guide to help prevent future breaches of trust. Clear boundaries make it easier to establish expectations and allow both parties to feel secure in the relationship.

7. Practice Patience

Patience is key. Rebuilding trust is not a quick process, and it may involve setbacks along the way. It’s important to recognize that trust cannot be rushed, and it might take longer than either party expects. Stay committed to the process, even when it feels difficult, and acknowledge that progress might be slow but steady.

8. Seek Support (When Necessary)

Sometimes, rebuilding trust requires external support. Couples counseling, therapy, or coaching can provide a neutral space for both parties to express their feelings and work through the issues in a healthy way. A professional can offer guidance on how to navigate the delicate process of rebuilding trust and help you avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

9. Recommit

Yes, both parties should recommit to the relationship. More crucially, however, the transgressing party must commit to being the kind of person that co-creates a healthy relationship out of a desire to be a better person for their own sake. This is key because someone who commits to behaving with integrity for the sake of keeping the relationship is doing so as a means to an end. This feels yucky for the betrayed partner because he/she can feel that the commitment of the transgressor relies on them always liking or wanting to be in relationship with them. To create lasting trust, the transgressor must do a personal inventory of what is in them that made them behave that way and remediate it. They must honestly discover all the ways he/she engaged in self-betrayal and self-deception and heal the parts of them that excused and justified such betrayals. He/she must have the desire to be integral for their own sake.

Additionally, the betrayed must take an honest inventory to discover what (if any) self-betrayals or self-deceptions they partcipated in leading up to the discovery/facing of truth and heal the parts of themselves that dismissed, excused or justified such.

Rebuilding trust requires a mutual effort. If both parties are committed to making it work, then the chances of success are much higher. This commitment means being willing to forgive, invite and give grace, make changes, and invest in the relationship. If you both genuinely want to move forward, there will be less resistance, and more opportunity for growth.

10. Understand That Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Forgetting

Finally, it’s important to understand that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting the breach. Rebuilding trust requires that you process the hurt, learn from the situation, and make a conscious effort to move forward together. Forgiveness is a choice, and it’s about deciding to move beyond the pain while also setting the stage for healthier interactions in the future.

The Bottom Line

Rebuilding trust after it’s been broken is a challenging but achievable process. It requires patience, honesty, responsibility, and time. By taking small, consistent steps, both partners can rebuild trust and create a stronger foundation for the future. Trust can be repaired, and with effort from both sides, it can even be strengthened—allowing the relationship to grow in a deeper, more authentic way.

May miracles follow miracles,

Merianne